What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
