I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
