so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Found the puke drawer
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
