I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
