The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
