meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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