my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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