It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
