Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I AM VODKA MAN
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
