I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
