I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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