All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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