I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
