Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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