I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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