i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
