she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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