Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
