Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
