An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
