She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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