fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
