I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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