I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
