I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
