I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
