It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
