i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is