you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
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There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...