Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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