Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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