I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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