I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
