I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
