guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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