I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
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I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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