I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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