So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i out mim tonsoeep
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