Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
