I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
