connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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