I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
