so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
