we made out on top of his cat.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
