Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
