we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
