My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
