yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You made me cry and you don't even care
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
handjob tips. give me some.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
