You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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