Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
