he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
