this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
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Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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