I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You're like the curious george of whores
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
