I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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