I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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