I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
