She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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