I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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